|
|
Features
Open Heart
by David Epston & Wally McKenzie,
New Zealand
[This original program, developed in New Zealand by David Epston
and Wally McKenzie, focuses on reconnecting children with their
fathers, particularly in instances of separation and divorce.]
An Open Heart Practice
In the Open Heart program, young people get a sense of who their
parents are and the sort of relationships they can expect, rather
than what they might dream about. Two potential outcomes become
possible:
- reconnection, on terms determined by young people and their
fathers -- not having to be mediated by mothers;
- reconciliation to what might be experienced as something lacking
in the child-father relationship, allowing children to consider
possibilities for happiness other than those that may derive from
culturally-driven beliefs about relationships.
This practice can also set mothers free from the burden of unfair
and unreasonable expectations surrounding facilitating viable father-child
relationships.
One way to engage fathers is for the therapist to write letters
inviting them to join with their children and the therapist in conversations
about fathering. Children provide advice as to whether this is a
good option, and are involved in the drafting of the letter, often
letting Dad know that "it is really hard to talk to parents about
things sometimes," and assuring him that "Mum won't be there."
Discussions with fathers provide an opportunity for them to notice
fathering practices they engage in, such as "minimal fathering,"
"random or unpredictable fathering," "hot and cold fathering," and
other practices that they and their children may experience as unsatisfactory.
Fathers can then consciously choose a fathering practice that is
more responsive to their children's needs and concerns.
Interviews with fathers led to several different possibilities
that allowed them to begin to question some of their thinking and
actions:
- a distinction between "covering up" and "making up," trying
to pay attention to what in fact is happening; otherwise "covering
up" grief and despair can lead to "making up" a dream father;
- employing a personal moral frame of reference rather than psychological
or legal frames, thus contrasting the "morality of severance"
with the "morality of fatherhood;"
- considering "living wills," attending to what parents "bequeath"
to their children as an endless process that begins at birth.
--from Wally and David--
"We noticed the poignancy, directness, and painful sincerity,
offered by young people in the Open Heart program. We considered
this "openheartedness" very risky and contrived as many safeguards
as possible to respect such sincerity. Although we realized
this process could lead to connection in ways that were deeper
and richer than any previous father- child connection, that
was not always the outcome."
|
